The Worthless One's Oath

I am just a weakling

a weakling trying to be strong

that’s why I’ll laugh

I’ll smile

in all the pitiful form I am now

no matter how stupid and selfish I might be

I’ll try my best to be “me”

to find “me” and love “me”

by then

can I finally help someone?

Dissecting the subconscious_trial 03

it's a bit of a lie though,
labelling this "trial 03"

I've been talking with my subconscious a lot of time
more like "trial XX"
I didn't know for sure

but here I am now
writing my thoughts
my head throbbing like crazy

it hurts a lot
but there'a nothing I can do


I'll wait until it pass
just like I've always been


Is it selfish to ask for help?
Or is it selfish not to ask for help?

either way I couldn't help thinking
that I am selfish

"...perhaps I'm too cruel to myself?"

I laughed

not saying anything but wanting someone to help
not hurting anyone but hurting myself
not wanting to blame but unable to forgive


"Aah... I'm the worst, am I?"

saying that make myself a bit relieved
but I can't deny the building pain too

this will pass
I'm sure it will

there'll come a time where I'll look back
and laugh at my own anxiety here

until then...

Tale of A Pitiful Monster

one day there was a monster
a monster who looks just like a human
and that monster is always alone


it’s not like the monster hate people
perhaps on contrary he loves human
that’s why when his madness come out
he always secluded himself


so that nobody will get hurt
so that only him will get hurt

but is it really alright to do that?


the monster is different from human
so sometimes he saw people
with a hint of pain in his eyes
but then he remembered


“ That’s right. I’m not a human. ”

and the monster smiled


in reality, what did the monster felt?
he didn’t know himself
perhaps he didn’t feel anything


one day the monster felt strange
the pain kept coming without an end



    it hurts… it hurts… it hurts…

but it’s alright, the monster said

     I’m alright… I’m alright… I’m alright…

he kept chanting those words



it hurts, but I’m fine
because I’m strong
I’ll heal myself in no time
It’s alright


the monster smiled
the monster cried
the monster laughed
the monster screamed


but it’s fine… it’s fine…
the monster never ask for help
because everyone has something else they hold dear
the don’t need a monster to weight them down


but deep down
perhaps… just perhaps…
the monster whispered another word


“…help me…”


those words
withered in the air silently

and reached nobody’s ear...

Dissecting the subconscious_trial 02

Sitting.

Alone.

Waiting.

Nothing to do.

I close my eyes and call them.

    "Nechros"    "Randall"

My ID and SuperEgo

"Hello, long time no see."

Nechros jumps and waves, Randall stays as he is.

I shrug.

"More like, you're bored, true?"

Very clever, Nechros, very. I shrug, one more time.

"Then let's talk! Let's talk!! 

About what on your mind now, about your anxiety, 

about your confusion, about your excitement, about your, well, everything!"

Randall sighs once, shaking his head. He always do that.
It feels like watching a typical anime character's gestures.
Which is funny, because that's just how my subconscious works. 

From what I love and see.

"It's too risky to go "crazy-mode" now. You're living in a dorm now, 

with a ROOMMATE who know nothing about your wicked side. Don't take that risk."

I nod, muttering a soft 'that's quite true, indeed', 

remembering all past experiences and rejections. 

Because I always put on a bold front. 

I'm seen as a very strong person.
So I need to be the one protecting her.

"And your image?" 

I smiled a bit.

Perhaps that's true, as well.

Like a symbol on a flag. Like a warhead. Like cover of a book.

Even if it's just a mere image, I have to be a guidepost.

I want to be a 'guidepost' 

for those who are lost.

So I will show my strong side and hear their worries.

And I'll hide my weak self.

Perhaps one day I'll be strong for real.

"But isn't that lonely?"

Yes, Nechros, quite so.
But I'm sure there's some who feel the same.

This self-obligation.

And we'll meet with each other,
sharing our own hidden selves 

Randall sighs like a defeated parent.

"We can only talk, both me and Nechros.

The decision is yours."

I smile wider,

closing my eyes and opening it in another second.

Returning to the little room of my dorm.

Yes, this is my choice.

My way of life.

Dissecting the subconscious_trial 01

They said the subconscious holds one's inner most desire.

Their true self.

Nobody can let their true feelings out because their subconscious is filtered by their conscious mind.

Now that I'm lost, let's try to remove that filter,
if only for a while,
and let the subconscious speak.

I said to my subconscious "Let's talk" and there he said "Alright" while bouncing out of joy with a smile stretch from ear to ear.

Nechros, I called him. A name given from another friend of mine.

He is my ID. I made him to represent my subconscious desire. Without name, it's easy to forget him. But now with name, he could go as far as materializing himself in front of me and speak oh so boastfully with no care whatsoever.

"Stop being such a lunatic" another voice said.

And there's Randall, my super-ego. The strongest voice of my reason. The pessimistic and realist side of mine.

They quarrelled a lot, but that's just how I made them. Because without their constant bickering I couldn't find myself. I would end up drifting to the void. Like I had always been.

Whenever I'm lost I talk to them, or more like mediating their arguments. It's fun sometimes, and not fun at times. Just like everything there are; nothing is always 'nice'.

So now why am I writing this?

Soon enough I have abandon this self-speak; I can hear the voice of my family calling me downstair, dragging me out of my personal quality time with myself.

....

Well, remind me not to delete this post.

The very words written without any filter from my unconscious mind.

Maybe I'll continue this later. Besides, this is only the first trial. I know the twisted yet wonderful realm of mind holds a lot of mysteries.

For now, I'll let Nechros and Randall sleep.

Till then...

Pelajaran dari Ikan Sapu-sapu

Pagi ini seperti biasa aku jalan dari stasiun Pocin (Pondok CIna) ke kampus. Dan kebiasaan lagi nih, kalau jalan mataku nggak pernah lihat ke depan tapi keluyuran kanan-kiri atau ke bawah. (ceritanya lihat-lihat pemandangan yang jarang diperhatiin orang sekalian cari-cari ide buat komik. Seru lho!) Tapi pagi ini aku menemukan sesuatu yang sangat SANGAT tidak biasa.

Waktu itu sekitar jam 07.30, pas di turunan jalur sepeda yang dilewatin kalau jalan dari balairung ke perpus pusat. Ada sesuatu yang hitam kelam tergeletak di tanah. Awalnya kukira daun, tapi kok geliat-geliat, ya? Setelah dilihat baik-baik ternyata itu…

IKAN SAPU-SAPU.

Aku nggak tahu udah berapa lama itu ikan disana (coz' dia udah berlumuran lumpur) tapi aku langsung refleks ngambil tu ikan dan kulempar ke danau samping perpusat. Sempet kutungguin kalau-kalau ternyata ngapung lagi (alias ternyata udah mati) tapi ternyata nggak. 

Waktu aku udah menghela napas lega, ketika berbalik dan melihat ke tanah…

ADA SEKUMPULAN IKAN SAPU-SAPU TERGELETAK DI RUMPUT.

Aku nggak tahu lagi berapa banyak. Beberapa besar, beberapa kecil; beberapa masih geliat-geliat, beberapa udah tinggal setengah badan dan dikerubungin semut. (rasanya kaya' di nemuin padang pembantaian di film horror, tapi mayatnya ikan sapu-sapu) Walau rada panik dan lihat kanan-kiri, aku mulai lemparin semua ikan sapu-sapu yang masih hidup ke danau dan sekali lagi kupelototin permukaan danau kalau-kalau ada yang ngapung. Kulihat ada satu.

Tapi tahu apa? Ikan itu cuma muncul ke permukaan sebentar, seakan bilang terima kasih ke aku, lalu menyelam lagi ke danau. Aku cuma senyum dan ngangguk ke ikan itu (mungkin orang yang lewat ngira aku udah rada sinting kali, ya?) terus lanjut jalan ke perpusat buat nunggu kelas.

Kejadian pagi ini rasanya aneh banget. Tapi jelas tanganku masih bau amis ikan dan kotor kena lumpur, jadi kelihatannya bukan mimpi. Yang bikin aku bingung adalah…

Ikan-ikan itu datang dari mana?

Kenapa mereka bergelatakan penuh lumpur di tanah?

dan yang lebih bikin kaget, dan sedih, lagi…

Kenapa nggak ada orang yang sadar mereka disana?

Kalau ada orang yang sadar, kenapa mereka cuekin?

Aku yakin paling nggak satu dua orang pasti sadar, karena salah satu ikan besarnya dua kali telapak tanganku. (sedihnya, ikan yang paling besar itu sudah mati waktu aku temuin)

Aku berharap kejadian pagi ini bisa jadi pelajaran, bukan cuma untuk aku, tapi juga semua yang membaca ini. Bahwa kelalaian dan ketidak pedulian kamu bisa menyebabkan kematian. Bahwa terkadang, ketika kamu melihat seseorang yang kesulitan, mungkin cuma kamu yang bisa membantu dia. 

Kadang mungkin kamu berpikir ...

"Ah, itu bukan urusanku. Kenal juga nggak." 

atau...

"Paling nanti ada orang lain yang nolongin."

Lalu kamu pura-pura tidak lihat dan pergi begitu saja. Namun ketika semua orang berpikir begitu, akhirnya tidak akan ada orang yang menolong. 

Karena ada beberapa orang yang kesulitan, tapi tidak mampu lagi berteriak minta tolong. Atau dia sudah berusaha meminta tolong, tapi orang-orang tidak mengerti atau malah acuh tak acuh. (sama seperti ikan sapu-sapu yang kita nggak ngerti bahasanya, tapi kita tahu kalau dibiarin megap-megap di tanah dia bakal mati)

Aku berharap semua orang mulai melihat ke sekeliling mereka dan menolong sesama. Karena mungkin hanya kamu yang menyadari kesulitan yang mereka hadapi, dan hanya KAMU yang bisa menolong mereka.

Freewriting: In her eyes [13/10/06] [07:44pm] [My Room]

Though how much I've grown,
for her,

nothing have changed...

Almost two decades have passed and

in her eyes

 my form had been put in a halt

A(n)

 Eternally Child

"Immortal Figure"

But,

however disturbed I am of that idea,

I could never say it in front of her face

"Because I was raised to be a model figure,

with great names and titles on my shoulder"

"I can't say such things"

So everyday

I give up my ego

 and try to push away all my discontent

              fake?

Just like "adults"

I follow with her childish farce

               truth?

Putting on my "innocent child" mask

I play my little role out of obligation

There is no happiness or joy,

rather,

I find displeasure which turn into unreasonable guilt

And, deep in my heart

I know

"If I leave things as it is

forever

nothing will ever change"

So I decided to leave

As such, maybe,

just maybe

I can give enough time for both of us

for me

and

for her

to grow and accept each other

as how we really are

And when that time comes

surely

Everything will work out fine

Freewriting [13/10/02] [12:55pm] [Central Library, University of Indonesia]

"what is it that you're looking for?"

not fame; not authority

not knowledge; not power

"happiness, is it?"

NO

it is freedom