The Worthless One's Oath

I am just a weakling

a weakling trying to be strong

that’s why I’ll laugh

I’ll smile

in all the pitiful form I am now

no matter how stupid and selfish I might be

I’ll try my best to be “me”

to find “me” and love “me”

by then

can I finally help someone?

Dissecting the subconscious_trial 03

it's a bit of a lie though,
labelling this "trial 03"

I've been talking with my subconscious a lot of time
more like "trial XX"
I didn't know for sure

but here I am now
writing my thoughts
my head throbbing like crazy

it hurts a lot
but there'a nothing I can do


I'll wait until it pass
just like I've always been


Is it selfish to ask for help?
Or is it selfish not to ask for help?

either way I couldn't help thinking
that I am selfish

"...perhaps I'm too cruel to myself?"

I laughed

not saying anything but wanting someone to help
not hurting anyone but hurting myself
not wanting to blame but unable to forgive


"Aah... I'm the worst, am I?"

saying that make myself a bit relieved
but I can't deny the building pain too

this will pass
I'm sure it will

there'll come a time where I'll look back
and laugh at my own anxiety here

until then...

Tale of A Pitiful Monster

one day there was a monster
a monster who looks just like a human
and that monster is always alone


it’s not like the monster hate people
perhaps on contrary he loves human
that’s why when his madness come out
he always secluded himself


so that nobody will get hurt
so that only him will get hurt

but is it really alright to do that?


the monster is different from human
so sometimes he saw people
with a hint of pain in his eyes
but then he remembered


“ That’s right. I’m not a human. ”

and the monster smiled


in reality, what did the monster felt?
he didn’t know himself
perhaps he didn’t feel anything


one day the monster felt strange
the pain kept coming without an end



    it hurts… it hurts… it hurts…

but it’s alright, the monster said

     I’m alright… I’m alright… I’m alright…

he kept chanting those words



it hurts, but I’m fine
because I’m strong
I’ll heal myself in no time
It’s alright


the monster smiled
the monster cried
the monster laughed
the monster screamed


but it’s fine… it’s fine…
the monster never ask for help
because everyone has something else they hold dear
the don’t need a monster to weight them down


but deep down
perhaps… just perhaps…
the monster whispered another word


“…help me…”


those words
withered in the air silently

and reached nobody’s ear...

Dissecting the subconscious_trial 02

Sitting.

Alone.

Waiting.

Nothing to do.

I close my eyes and call them.

    "Nechros"    "Randall"

My ID and SuperEgo

"Hello, long time no see."

Nechros jumps and waves, Randall stays as he is.

I shrug.

"More like, you're bored, true?"

Very clever, Nechros, very. I shrug, one more time.

"Then let's talk! Let's talk!! 

About what on your mind now, about your anxiety, 

about your confusion, about your excitement, about your, well, everything!"

Randall sighs once, shaking his head. He always do that.
It feels like watching a typical anime character's gestures.
Which is funny, because that's just how my subconscious works. 

From what I love and see.

"It's too risky to go "crazy-mode" now. You're living in a dorm now, 

with a ROOMMATE who know nothing about your wicked side. Don't take that risk."

I nod, muttering a soft 'that's quite true, indeed', 

remembering all past experiences and rejections. 

Because I always put on a bold front. 

I'm seen as a very strong person.
So I need to be the one protecting her.

"And your image?" 

I smiled a bit.

Perhaps that's true, as well.

Like a symbol on a flag. Like a warhead. Like cover of a book.

Even if it's just a mere image, I have to be a guidepost.

I want to be a 'guidepost' 

for those who are lost.

So I will show my strong side and hear their worries.

And I'll hide my weak self.

Perhaps one day I'll be strong for real.

"But isn't that lonely?"

Yes, Nechros, quite so.
But I'm sure there's some who feel the same.

This self-obligation.

And we'll meet with each other,
sharing our own hidden selves 

Randall sighs like a defeated parent.

"We can only talk, both me and Nechros.

The decision is yours."

I smile wider,

closing my eyes and opening it in another second.

Returning to the little room of my dorm.

Yes, this is my choice.

My way of life.

Teaser - Encounter

The 3rd installment of Moby's Dream. Coming soon in 2015.
Check the full trailer in our DeviantArt !

Teaser - It's a Deadliners Life

The Indonesian Comic Market "Comic Frontier" (a.k.a COMIFURO) has come yet again!!
What will our bunch of deadliners make this year? Check it out  >> here 

Dissecting the subconscious_trial 01

They said the subconscious holds one's inner most desire.

Their true self.

Nobody can let their true feelings out because their subconscious is filtered by their conscious mind.

Now that I'm lost, let's try to remove that filter,
if only for a while,
and let the subconscious speak.

I said to my subconscious "Let's talk" and there he said "Alright" while bouncing out of joy with a smile stretch from ear to ear.

Nechros, I called him. A name given from another friend of mine.

He is my ID. I made him to represent my subconscious desire. Without name, it's easy to forget him. But now with name, he could go as far as materializing himself in front of me and speak oh so boastfully with no care whatsoever.

"Stop being such a lunatic" another voice said.

And there's Randall, my super-ego. The strongest voice of my reason. The pessimistic and realist side of mine.

They quarrelled a lot, but that's just how I made them. Because without their constant bickering I couldn't find myself. I would end up drifting to the void. Like I had always been.

Whenever I'm lost I talk to them, or more like mediating their arguments. It's fun sometimes, and not fun at times. Just like everything there are; nothing is always 'nice'.

So now why am I writing this?

Soon enough I have abandon this self-speak; I can hear the voice of my family calling me downstair, dragging me out of my personal quality time with myself.

....

Well, remind me not to delete this post.

The very words written without any filter from my unconscious mind.

Maybe I'll continue this later. Besides, this is only the first trial. I know the twisted yet wonderful realm of mind holds a lot of mysteries.

For now, I'll let Nechros and Randall sleep.

Till then...