Freewriting: In her eyes [13/10/06] [07:44pm] [My Room]

Though how much I've grown,
for her,

nothing have changed...

Almost two decades have passed and

in her eyes

 my form had been put in a halt

A(n)

 Eternally Child

"Immortal Figure"

But,

however disturbed I am of that idea,

I could never say it in front of her face

"Because I was raised to be a model figure,

with great names and titles on my shoulder"

"I can't say such things"

So everyday

I give up my ego

 and try to push away all my discontent

              fake?

Just like "adults"

I follow with her childish farce

               truth?

Putting on my "innocent child" mask

I play my little role out of obligation

There is no happiness or joy,

rather,

I find displeasure which turn into unreasonable guilt

And, deep in my heart

I know

"If I leave things as it is

forever

nothing will ever change"

So I decided to leave

As such, maybe,

just maybe

I can give enough time for both of us

for me

and

for her

to grow and accept each other

as how we really are

And when that time comes

surely

Everything will work out fine

Automaton, The Living Doll [Chapter 03]

“Me. I am me. I am—”

~0~0~0~

“I am not a doll, ***! I'm a living being!”

The creature that was once a doll,

felt something for the first time.

It grieved and despaired, much to the scientists' dismay.

“If only you follow through my plan,

you don't need to feel this agony.”

But the creature that had gained a free will didn't care.

After a while it gained control over its eyes,

and finally realized all the strings binding it like a puppet.

The creature was a perfect doll,

but a pitiful living being.

In the end it couldn't be both.

So the creature decided to cut its strings and see for itself.

If it was truly a doll, it would be left on the ground to rot.

If it was truly a living being, it would fall on its numb body all the same.

But one day, as a living being, it would find a way to move on.

So as the creature fell to the cold floor,

it closed its eyes.

“Am I a doll

or

a living being?”

By the time it opened its eyes again,

the creature would know.

And after what seemed to be an endless fall,

finally—

...

....

~0~0~0~

~“What a fleeting dream...”

--the end

Automaton, The Living Doll [Chapter 02]

~"It hurts. That's strange. I shouldn't be capable of feeling anything.”

~0~0~0~

“I am a doll.”

The creature that was owned by the two scientists said,

with a bland voice matching its blank eyes.

As long as it followed the scientists' order, nothing else matter.

“Because, in fact, I am a doll, right? And a doll never protests.”

So the creature continued its daily routine obediently.

Until one day, one of the scientists snapped.

“This is wrong, ***!” he said.

What was wrong, the creature didn't know.

But that day, that scientist did something out of ordinary.

He left the creature all alone, somewhere in a place it never knew before.

And the creature stood silently, didn't know what to do.

No command was given, so it did nothing.

But it could see, from its empty eyes, the other creatures around it.

They moved about freely, no one to control over them.

They were the living beings, having their own free will.

By then, the creature understood the true meaning of life.

The creature then knew, that it had never been alive.

“Because, in fact, I am a doll, right? And a doll never lives.”

But why did its chest hurt?

With no command or malfunction, where did it come from?

The creature was an automaton; a living doll. So how was it possible?

Finally, the creature realized what it truly was.

It was a living doll; 

a living being, make-believe to be a doll.

~0~0~0~

~“There was no malfunction. What is this? Is this...a heart?”

--to be continued

Automaton, The Living Doll [Chapter 01]

 ~“Looking at the mirror, I ask: Who are you? The reflection said nothing.”

 ~0~0~0~

 One day there was a creature, owned by two scientists.

The creature could move and breathe, and eat and drink.

It had high intelligence, a healthy body, and excelled in art.

It was given everything it had ever needed in return,

so it didn't need to worry about death or starvation.

The creature was perfect.

Every times one of the scientist asked—

"*****, have you took a bath? Wash your hair? Brush your teeth? Eat your breakfast? Bring your lunch? Do your homework? et? cetera??????”

—the creature would answered—

"Yes, ***. Yes, ***. Yes, ***. Yes, ***. Yes, ***. Yes…"

It followed their orders flawlessly, all with the same blank eyes.

It was an automaton; a living doll.

Yes, that time the creature realized what it was.

It was a living doll; 

a doll, make-believe to be alive.

~0~0~0~

  ~“Oh, it's just me. Me? What is me?”

--to be continued

Freewriting [13/10/02] [12:55pm] [Central Library, University of Indonesia]

"what is it that you're looking for?"

not fame; not authority

not knowledge; not power

"happiness, is it?"

NO

it is freedom